Late to the Goon Docks! A review of The Goonies

Late to the Goon Docks! A review of The Goonies

Prologue by Whitney Mathews:

That’s what I said – booby twaps!

1985 was such a good year. The Royals won the World Series, the first-ever WrestleMania was held at Madison Square Garden and Steven Spielberg, Richard Donner and Chris Columbus gave us The Goonies.

The Goonies has everything cool: pirates, treasure, bad guys, secret passages, skeletons, water slides, love, murder, greed, the word “sh*t” and Corey Feldman. Despite its release coming just one year after I was born (my parents taped it onto VHS from HBO), it forever set my expectations for totally unrealistic, yet totally radical kid fantasies (other than discovering pirate treasure, those would include – but are not limited to – finding out you’re actually a princess and being locked in a toy/department store overnight).

Because of The Goonies, I still resent my parents for not storing a secret, old-timey treasure map in our attic. May I inquire, Mom and Dad, as to how the hell my besties and I are supposed to save our slice of Johnson County suburbia from the evil country club developers if we don’t have the old-timey treasure map?! YOU’RE SETTING ME UP TO FAIL!

Anyway, now that I’m old enough to understand inappropriate things, I’m semi-disturbed by Mikey’s obsession with a 17th century Spanish pirate named One-Eyed Willie, but nothing is perfect. Also, saying “One-Eyed Willie” makes me giggle just as much at age 27 as it did at age 10.

One-Eyed Willie.

Because it’s another way to say penis! Hehehehehehe.

On a “WHAT?! You haven’t seen ______???” scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest level of shock, disappointment and sad), The Goonies gets a 9. I don’t even remember the first time I saw The Goonies. It was just always there. I mean, Christ on a cracker, Laura, this movie is on cable about 358 times a week. Seeing as I’ve known her for over a decade, I partially blame myself for her not having seen it until now. I mostly blame her, though.


LTTM Review:

What word means the opposite of excited? (And don’t say unexcited, because that is boring.) Whatever that word is, THAT is how I was feeling about watching this damn movie.

Why? Because it is one of those movies that everyone LOVES, everyone OBSESSES over, it’s like a damn cult. And those movies never live up to my expectations. A few years ago I watched The Princess Bride for the first time and, quite frankly, I was bored out of my mind. After years of hearing people reference Inigo Montoya and saying “INCONCEIVABLE!” I thought it would be the greatest, most hilarious, most magical movie ever. And ZZZZZZzzzZZ, it totally wasn’t. That’s what I was afraid of when I decided it was time to FINALLY see The Goonies.

Unlike Princess Bride, The Goonies did not disappoint. Although I couldn’t help but think that that must have been the most annoying movie set of all time to work on, I thought it was a cute movie and a lot of fun. Magical, even. I wished I was young again, I wished I had a treasure map, I wished I could eat as much ice cream as Chunk. It reminded me a lot of being a kid and that’s a good feeling to have. I only wished I had seen it as a kid because I would have loved it, and it makes me a little sad that it is never going to mean to me what it means to my friends like Whitney. I can’t wait to watch this again one day when I actually have my own kids to show it to…or, you know, if I ever babysit someone else’s little brats (KIDS SUCK!).

Face palm moment: I think I pissed everyone who ever joined Twitter off by the questions I asked about the movie. But seriously. Why does Corey Feldman know so much Spanish? Can’t they just open up the gate? Why are the Fratellis so angry, and what on earth happens to them at the end? The relationship between Sloth and Chunk is a little creepy– and man, if Sloth was going to live with Chunk’s family who is going to pay for his food and medical expenses? And where does the boat go? Is it the boat that later mysteriously shows up on Lost for no sensible reason? I certainly hope so.

Also, I have to admit that I was a little disappointed that there was only one Corey in the movie. I thought it was a two Corey movie deal I was getting into.

Favorite part: Any scene with cutie cute Josh Brolin in it. Especially when he’s riding the tricycle.

The “I missed that in pop culture trivia” moment: The band who does the song the Chicago Blackhawks play when they score a goal (“Chelsea Dagger”) is called The Fratellis. Does that count? Also, I was thinking about Joe Pantoliano’s character on The Sopranos and how he gets killed and they are chopping up his body and they grab his head and it turns out that he’s been wearing a toupee this whole time… I’m just hoping that was a shout out to The Goonies.

Regrettable tardiness scale (out of 10): I really, really, really, really regret not seeing it as a little kid. Now? Now it’s not quite as magical and meaningful. I still really liked it but dammit I would have carved my own eye out to be like One-Eyed Willie if I had seen it as a kid. Maybe that’s why my parents didn’t show me the movie…

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