Louis: “I’m gonna bust you out, son.”
Prologue by Sarah Peterson-Herr (my Test Kitchen buddy!):
WTF “Pet Sematary.” Are you aware that you are spelled totally wrong? Do you not care that I am more than bothered by this extreme blunder? After spending 30 minutes of my work day errr, break, I mean, Googling the totally justifiable reasons for this heinous crime, I have come up with no solid leads. Most sources claim that a child wrote the sign for “Pet Sematary” and Steve-o just decided to leave it all funky. Mr. King has yet to comment. Lame. Anyway, on to the important stuff…
If you aren’t familiar with Stephen King movie adaptations, he is pretty much in love with himself. He has a cameo in every movie he has ever allowed to be created from his scary books. In Pet Sematary, Stephen, looking like his usual creeper self, shows up as the minister at the funeral of Missy Dandridge. My dad always pointed out the scene where Stephen was chillin’ in his movies. My dad is a HUGE scary book fan, so I totally grew up watching ridiculously scary movies and fearing ½ dead cats and psycho clowns. (Laura, you should totally check out “IT” if you haven’t!)
Pet Sematary (Ahhh! It is so hard to continuously spell it wrong!), the movie version, was released in 1989, so I probably saw it by the time I was 7. After watching it, I grew a very reasonable fear of all mangy-looking animals and Indian burial grounds. I proudly carry those same fears with me today. The one lesson you should take away from this movie is simple: Don’t bury your dead shit in places where it could come back to life. Dead kittens and people should remain in their dead state.
On a “WHAT?! You haven’t seen ______???” scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest level of shock, disappointment and sad): Based on the list of movies that Laura has not seen, I don’t really blame her for not seeing this, but because it is a classic, I will give it a 5.5. (I like .5’s) However, Laura, you can’t stop with just the first one; you must carry on and watch Pet Sematary 2! Everyone should waste 103 minutes of their lives to watch Pet Sematary, even if the plot is horrible and the acting is mediocre, it has Herman Munster in it and a super creepy cat that’s “a little dead,” and an evil kid who just wants to “play with daddy.” C’mon dad, throw the kid your femur bone!
First of all, as you are reading this review from here on out please adjust your reading brain voice to be that of Ellie Creed’s. Because that is the artist’s intention. Seriously, I’m talking like Ellie Creed as I write this. My dogs are absolutely flipping out.
Where to start? I had no idea Herman Munster did anything besides be Herman Munster so that was really bizarre feeling like a super nice Frankenstein was living across the street from the Creeds. I used to love that TV show though.
The thing about Stephen King movies is that sometimes I don’t know if they’ve been adapted accurately. For example, I read The Shining and then watched the Stanley Kubrick film. I absolutely love the movie but it’s not really in line at all with the book, which has more focused on the Shining and that makes sense because…the book…is…called…THE SHINING. So I haven’t read Pet Sematary and I don’t know if the book and the movie are anything alike, but I had some, you know, issues with the movie.
- Before buying any house, if there’s any sort of possibility that any animals or children might be in the vicinity of the house I will sure as hell check to make sure semis with crazy ass drivers are not barreling down the street. I mean, my dogs would probably make it five minutes in that house before being hit by a car. No way. That’s just stupid.
- Why is it that Pascow is trying to help Louis Creed? Because Louis didn’t really do ANYTHING except accept him into the ER. The dude’s brain was hanging out of his head when he arrived.
- If you are Mr. Herman Munster, and you see that Ellie’s cat is dead, and you had a terrible experience burying your dog in the Indian burial ground, and you have any knowledge that people in an emotional state might be inclined to bury other people in this ground, and you know at all that the consequences of doing so are absolutely terrible… um…why make that suggestion? Are you dumb?
- Death by spinal meningitis or death by being super creepy? That’s not really the way I pictured that sort of death going. Also, honestly. Who gives a single crap about Rachel? I don’t.
- Why can’t Ellie Creed come to my house and talk to me at all times? Her shrill, whiny voice is magical. Speaking of which, I just found this music video dedicated to her. Please read the description because that is an accurate portrayal of my feelings. Um…I hate child actors.
- So, hold the phone. You find your baby son has killed Herman Munster and chewed off his face, then killed your wife and somehow hung her from the ceiling (how?), and you have to kill your son because THERE’S NO OTHER WAY and THEN you think it’s a good idea TO BURY YOUR WIFE IN THE BURIAL GROUND BECAUSE SHE’S RECENTLY DEAD. This is America, everybody. The land of logical thinking. God bless.
- Which came first, the Chucky or the Gage? I haven’t seen Child’s Play but I’ve seen clips of Chucky and that’s what Gage reminded me of. Not scary or creepy, but sadly ugly. I feel sorry for that kid. (Kevin says he was in Wes Craven’s New Nightmare.)
Most disturbing about this movie? The fact that evil Church is not so different from my cat Wink, who isn’t dead or even zombie dead. At least, I don’t think so.
And yes, I had to look away when he put the zombie evil dead cat down.
Face palm moment: Face palm at how bad this movie was. I had no idea. I thought it was supposed to be like….kind of good? But no.
Favorite part: I’M GONNA BUST YOU OUT, SON. A moment that is supposed to be very emotional, or have you on edge, but ends up being funny as hell.
The “I missed that in pop culture trivia” moment: I had seen photos/references of Stephen King in the priest costume but never knew where that was from.
Regrettable tardiness scale (out of 10): I’d say 8/10 but I’m also viewing this as a comedy at this point. And the fact that there is a Pet Sematary 2 has me very excited.
- PET SEMATARY – Horror Films The Changed My Life #2 (geektyrant.com)
- ‘Pet Sematary’: A Reminder That Zombie Cats Make Terrible Pets (theawl.com)